Happy Sunday. I’m just going to rip the bandaid off and give you the worst films I have seen so far this year and you will come for me.
It’s OK. I know your taste in movies and I’m not too afraid (I’m cackling).
But let’s look at four travesties of cinema.
TERRIFIER (2018)
Written/Directed By: Damien Leone
Heavens to Gertrude what was that craziness?
Simple synopsis: A killer kills.
That’s it. That’s the synopsis. The characters were one dimensional, the plot… (was there one?), and the interactions were, well, they happened. Is this a brilliant movie? Absolutely not. I can see it as like a romance novel, something that is on to distract from the everyday humdrum of life. Is this movie deep with commentary? Also, no.
Maybe that’s the point is that it’s a mockery of horror films and the viewers. The idea of, they will watch and love anything if you tell them to. Or “sometimes there is no point.” But that’s such a cop out. It’s the same as “bad things just happen”.
While I don’t recommend this exactly, it is great for background noise. And a few kills were overly gory so some of you will be sated.
Meh. 4/10
V/H/S BEYOND (2024)
Written and Directed by various
Synopsis: five different films, from five different directors/writers, some from other countries.
This is what people get all excited about in the horror film community? Eesh. No thank you. The first story and the third story were the only redeeming parts of this dumpster fire of an anthology. And I will commend the third story for having THE best offscreen kill I have ever witnessed. If you know, you know.
But this was as big a waste of my time as TERRIFIER was. Holy toledo.
That’s the best I can do with this review. I would like the hour and twenty minutes that were not the first and third stories back of my life. Please and thank you.
Pffffffffffft. 4/10.
THE EMPTY MAN (2020)
Based on the graphic novel series by Cullen Bunn
Directed by: David Prior
Ugggggggh. This movie.
Synopsis: Blow on a bottle and bring forth The Empty Man.
Oh, something blows alright and it’s this movie. (Sorry, I was cackling at my own joke.) The opening sequence may be one of the best I have ever seen, then I cursed ever being born because it brought me to watching the rest of this film. It’s putt putting along and then twist. OK, I guess I can suspend disbelieve for a bit. Another twist… well, that doesn’t quite make sen- BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! I rolled my eyes just thinking of the ending of this film… as I was typing this.
I love Cullen Bunn and I will definitely check out the graphic novels because I’ve been told they are nothing like the film. Thank God if that’s true. Because ew.
Watch until the title card and then shut it off. Trust me, I’m saving you an hour and a half of frustration and cussing. You’re welcome in advance.
Pffffffffft. 4.5/10. (Not as bad as the TERRIFIER or V/H/S BEYOND but only because of the opening.)
FRIGHT NIGHT (1985)
Written/Directed by: Tom Holland
Synopsis: A nosy teenager believes a vampire is living next for to him. When he goes to the host of a vampire movie for back up, beliefs turn to the need for survival.
The first hour of this movie made me regret having streaming services. It bored the crap out of me. I was thinking, “this is it? This is the movie so many have a cinematic boner for?”, but I was naive. After his friend turns… against him, then it really gets good. The last half of the movie is a shit show of epic proportions but in a cheesy, fun way.
Fun fact: The young girl love interest was 16 in the movie script… the vampire she makes out with… is 40! Yeah. Classic 80s, am I right?
The ending took a 4/10 to an 8/10. I would still recommend this one.
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